Today ends an era that I will forever hold deep in my heart.
Today begins a new chapter.
Today I feel free, yet lost.
Today I wanted to cry, smile, and cry a little more.
Today I let go, but seemed to be hanging on by a thread.
Today was one of the most emotional days of my life.
Today marks the seventh day since my baby girl last nursed. A final nursing I will never forget. I sat on the back pew at Sunday mass, gazing up at the beautiful stain glass, baby girl snuggled into my body with her little arm tucked behind my back with an embrace that melted my heart, and just reveled in the moment together.
I strongly believe in child-led weaning, and I had all intentions to follow her lead but other circumstances led me to take the initiative on weaning, as hard as it was I knew it was time. I really wanted to share my story to give other moms support, weaning a toddler is not an easy road to travel and the companions I sought for support made all the difference in the world.
I also wanted to share my experience so others can understand the struggle and think twice before you ask a mother, "when are you going to stop breastfeeding?" I have also heard the unkind comment, "after a certain age it's about the mom, not the child," which is disturbing that someone could place breastfeeding in that mindset, but the outlandish statement is spoken all too often.
My first child easily weaned at 13 months by simply placing a sippy cup in his hand and that was that, no falling tears just an annoying trail of milk on the floor.
My second little guy had his world rocked when I became pregnant and my milk dried up when he wasn't ready to wean at 15 months. He was heartbroken, frustrated, and to be honest, LIVID! I made my mind up that my babies have a way of expressing to me just how to meet their needs, and I would listen to baby girl and end our nursing relationship on her time, in peace!
Baby girl was something else from the very beginning! She has always nursed for hunger, comfort, pain, boredom, pretty much any emotion, nursing was her therapy.
Breastfeeding became our peacemaker! With three young children, you take peace any way you can get it!
Just think if someone gave you a magic wand that eliminated crying, provided sleep (for everyone in the house), prevented any sick doctor visits, and was the cure for any sadness, no doubt you would be waving your wand like it was going out of style! I understand that all breastfeeding relationships are different, but this was our case and I took advantage of it.
All this to say, baby girl was extremely attached to her nursies and she couldn't fathom the thought of me telling her not right now, in her mind there was no moment not ideal for milk milk!
After a total of six years of nursing (cumulative), almost two with her, my body needs rest and quite a few pounds. Gradual wasn't working with her so after our holy nursing, it was cold turkey weaning from that moment.
We left church and picked up some pacifiers, bottles (she never took a bottle), almond milk, and coconut milk and prayed it would be an easier transition.
I can't even begin to tell you how helpless I felt when she threw the bottle down and cried "my milk milk", or when I tried to distract her and she would sob and pull on my shirt, but the worse was when she would hug me tight and whisper in the sweetest voice, "peeeeeez."
Many moments I felt so weak, I'm a mother, my heart is to make her happy, and I felt as if I was the cause of her pain, it was the hardest days I think I've endured. I wanted to give up, I wanted her to crawl into my lap, I wanted her to be content, I wanted our special time, I wanted to dry her tears, I wanted peace. Without being consoled and coached by other mothers who have experienced weaning a toddler, I would have caved over and over again.
After a few long days, late nights, and many tears, things started to look up! Baby girl was proud of her new cup and would snuggle in my lap to mimic nursing while I held her cup, I think the closeness of nursing is the root of the attachment so I'm trying to keep that intact for as long as she needs.
After several days of not asking for nursies, she leaped into my lap and with a giggle asked,
My milk milk?
Mommy's milk milk is all gone, what about your special cup?
I see nursies?
Sure! (I lifted my shirt to give her assurance)
I touch nursies?
Yes! Baby, they are still your nursies!
You can imagine what I thought was coming next but to my surprise, no attempt to nurse, she just slightly rested her precious head on my chest and announced,
I sleep nursies, I love nursies!
God revealed to me just how much grace I needed to bestow on my little angel, to a toddler, nursing isn't just about milk, it's their deepest connection to their mommy,
it's their world!
I held her head to my chest and prayed she wouldn't look up until I dried my eyes.
It was a moment of mixed emotions. All I wanted was for the decision to be mutual, for her to be okay, and as soon she took that huge step forward my first instinct was to pull her back and cry, "not yet, are you sure you're ready?"
I knew she was ready, and I let her go!
That moment was her goodbye to all she ever knew. With her courage she took a piece of my heart and then we moved forward together, and I knew it was the first of many challenges we will tackle together in this beautiful life!
Enjoy The Journey!
