Saturday, January 28, 2012

I Will Never Leave You, Nor Forsake You

Today was the hardest day of my life. I had ten minutes to see my sister through glass and communicate by phone.....it seemed like a nightmare I just couldn't shake. To be honest, it was all a blur. I don't remember anyone around me, I can't even recall her stripped attire. The one thing that remains vivid in my memory is her eyes....they said it all!

I'm so sorry

I don't know how this happened

Thank God you still love me

After we both wept for three minutes, I made her laugh....something we have always been able to do for each other in a time of turmoil! We had about eight minutes left and it seemed like the minutes were racing, and I just wanted to stop time! She wanted to know how my boys were doing.....they have a deep love for one another, and she would literally give her life for them. She wanted to know if I saw her on the news and how sorry she was to embarrass the family. I assured her I never saw the news and never cared to, and I could careless what anyone thought about her or our family. When I told her that so many people have offered kind, encouraging words, she was in disbelief that anyone would speak anything of her but criticism.

She was proud to tell me that she enjoys the church ladies that come to speak, and she has started reading the bible. I expressed my sadness for where she was but at the same time, a feeling of peace.

I know it's going to be a long, hard road but you can have a fulfilling life when this is all over, and it's a chance to heal....a new beginning!

She didn't say a word, she couldn't......with tears streaming down her face, she nodded and mouthed the words "I know."

Then our moment was abruptly terminated as they escorted me out of the room.

I wanted to bust through the glass, grab her, and run for dear life. I wanted to bring her home for dinner at my parents like we do every weekend. I wanted her to walk through the front door and my boys run and jump in her arms....I wanted everything to be the way it was.

Then, God reminded me.....this is what it's going to take to save her life, let go and let me.

 I know it's the truth, I found a letter she wrote me just before she was arrested.

Hey Sis, I know your angry I took the selfish, easy way out. I want you to know I struggled with this decision for about 20 years. This life was never really for me and I've never known what's wrong with me, but I've never been happy. I'm sorry I was never the sister you deserved. Please do me a favor, I love those boys more than anything in the world and they think I hung the moon. They have not been jaded by the truth yet, please don't let people ever talk bad about me in front of them. Please don't let them know their aunt was a drug addict. I love you very much and I hope you have a wonderful life!
Love Carrie

If she wasn't arrested when she was, I believe we would have found her dead.
I'm praising God through this storm and I know he is at work!

Addiction is a battle my sister has fought since she was sixteen and it's consumed her entire life. She has a good heart and she wants to live a happy life, she just can't seem to find her way out. Her careers have included law enforcement, paramedic, and military..........she always wanted to save other people, but never found a way to save herself.

Tonight I was looking at pictures.....


and wondered, how in the world did this happen? Where did this little girl go? How do we save her?

I'm not sure, but I do know.....I will never give up and neither will God!


I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Hebrews 13:5

Until Next Time.....

5 comments:

The Rives said...

Oh Amanda, this made me cry. There is nothing like the bond between sisters. It can hold up during the toughest of times and your sister is so lucky to have you. You will all be in my prayers and I pray that God will guide your sister and give her the desire to follow HIm. He has a perfect plan for all of you.

Elizabeth said...

I'll keep you in my prayers. I have several siblings not living the life I know they are capable of. It is really hard to watch. I do pray your sister can turn her life around. Precious pictures.

Bethany Hicks-Pigg said...

Hey Amanda .... we r Praying hard for Carrie & ur entire family. I know this is so hard on all of u. We dont have answers as to why things happen like they do but we do know that God does know the reasons and He is not finished with Carrie yet. I have Faith that only good things will come of this. We will continue Praying for all of u. Stay strong and keep the FAITH!! By the way I love ur blog. I'm now a follower. Not sure if u remember me but just wanted u to know that we are Praying & I have faith that Carrie will get through this.

Unknown said...

Amanda this has me in tears. I have a cousin going through the same thing with her brother. God will take care of them. Bless you all!

JewDee Fryant said...

Amanda, I know Carrie from a "support group".

It's kinda funny that I was thinking about her and found your site. Actually, I have thought of her off and on since I heard about her being arrested.

I agree with you that had she not been arrested, she may have wound up dead.

Please tell her that Judy from Central said to tell her that she is in my prayers and if the opportunity arises I would love to visit her. I think there a limit of who and when she can have visitors.

Also, if she would like some of our books or reading material I will get them for her and bring the to you. (601-672-3327)

All of ya'll are in my prayers & thoughts.

Tell her I said to "hold that head up"!! We have done as bad or worse and she IS NOT ALONE!!

Please let me know if I can do anything for her.

Sincerely,

Judy

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