No Spanking!

No spanking and new alternative methods have returned our household back to a peaceful haven!!! You remember in my last blog that Chris and I had a revelation and made changes concerning the discipline of our defiant toddler. I also mentioned this wonderful book that contributed to the changes we are undergoing.

We have found better options than spanking and methods that are much more effective. Spanking made Colby more defiant, angry, aggressive, and unpleasant. I could tell it was changing his whole persona and he only had maybe 10 spankings before we realized it wasn't working for us.

Chapter 12 is all about spanking and it told a story that really changed my way of thinking and ensured me that this would hit home for us if we continued down the same path.

A mother who believed in spanking observed her three- year old daughter hitting her one-year old son. When confronted, her daughter said, "I'm just playing mommy." She never spanked another child.

Children love to imitate, especially people whom they love and respect. I would never want to be the culprit of Colby hitting Chase. I realized we are teaching our children to hit. I hear parents say we aren't hitting, we are spanking. What's the difference? When an adult strikes another adult we call it hitting; when a child strikes another child we call it hitting; but when an adult strikes a child, parents soften the description to "spanking".

Other facts from this chapter that had an impact on my decision to never spank again.

• Children from spanking families are more likely to use aggression to handle conflicts when they become adults.
• Spanking demonstrates that it's all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a swat. This mode of interaction will carry onto their siblings, peers, and eventually spouses and offspring.
• Hitting devalues a child. For a child to act right, he has to feel right. The child's self-image begins with how his parents perceive him and spanking gives a confusing message. A child breaks a glass, you spank or scream at him and he feels "I must be bad" because to a child your always right. The child also feels the the glass he broke must be more valuable than he is.
• Spanking makes a child's behavior worse, not better. The basis for promoting desirable behavior: The child who feels right acts right. Spanking undermines this principle. A child who is hit feels wrong and it shows in his behavior.
• When spanking is repeated over and over, one message is driven home to the child, "You are weak and defenseless."
• Corporal punishment puts distance between the spanker and spankee, the child loses respect for the parent, and the child is not being taught to develop an inner control- they only behave out of fear.
• It's hard to feel loved by the hand that hits them. The parent-child relationship suffers.
• Don't use the bible as an excuse.

"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him" (Proverbs 13:24)

Shepherds don't use the rod to beat their sheep--and children are certainly more valuable than sheep.

The Shepherd's rod was traditionally used to fight off prey and the staff was gently used to guide sheep in the right path, as in the phrase "your rod and your staff they comfort me." psalm 23:4

• When punishment humiliates children they either rebel or withdraw.
• While spanking may appear to make the child afraid to repeat the misbehavior, it's because they fear the spanker and they are seething with anger.
• They feel violated and they detach themselves from the world that they perceive has been hurtful to them and they find it difficult to trust.
• Unpleasant memories of spankings can block out positive memories
• Children raised in homes with a lot of corporal punishment turn out more antisocial and egocentric.
• Studies have shown that spanking seems to have the most negative long-term effects. Many studies show the futility of spanking disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness.

If sharing this information prevents only one person from spanking their child then I will be satisfied and consider it to be a huge blessing!!!

Soon I will be posting techniques we are using and how successful each one has been!